I've been watching my bank account collapse in on itself for the past month now. Wealth doesn't totally feel like the appropriate descriptor I should be using for this blog.

But I learned many years ago to wear the words we want to feel like a cow wears flies - as a constant, annoying reminder to keep your ass moving.

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I find it so easy to wallow in self-pity and depression. It's addicting in a way. The negativity is almost soothing because it gives us justification and validity in our lack. I've been sucked into the spiral before and it takes an immense amount of efforting to claw your way out. 

It's no wonder so many would rather stay in it's grasp.

A few weeks ago, I saw myself falling in the trap of my old ways and so I decided I'd better get to work on that. (It's kind of crazy what a daily routine can do for the mind.)

Money mindset affirmations, a daily prayer, lots and lots and lots of gratitude, and action. (The action, of course, being Art & Soul Reloaded and this blog.)

I had forgotten how much I love to write. I realized in my first round of blogging that I was actually a pretty decent writer. (I mildly attribute it to my English teacher, Mrs. Sager, whom I was pretty certain hated my guts. Now, I try to consider that maybe she was so hard on me because she saw something in me.)

I started having author aspirations and decided I should monetize my blog. That's when writing started to feel like day-old dish water. It wasn't fun and I forgot that it ever even was. I couldn't even remember why I wanted to be a writer to begin with.

I'd become so serious and "professional" that I completely forgot how to have fun. And that's not just with writing, it's been the running theme in every aspect of my life.

Hey, I'm too busy worrying about money to have fun over here!

Well, that stops now. With each art project in Art & Soul Reloaded, I feel a little swirl of joy bubbling up.

If I said I thought this task was going to be easy, I'd have been lying.

You have to be a real writer to come up with something incredible in six words. And one thing's for sure, I ain't no real writer.

Tell an entire story in six words?? You're crazy. You're out of your mind, Pam Grout. Are you trying to break us before we even get started?!

But the muses were musing yesterday. I think my memoir isn't half bad. It's a little funny, but utterly true. And it sums it all up pretty good.

I was sincerely, utterly, completely lost. I felt trapped in a life I hated and I was searching voraciously for any way out.

I read so many self-help books. I watched The Secret at least 80 times. I was looking for someone to tell me how to get a new life. (I mean surely someone knew of a shortcut, right?)

Spoiler alert: there are no shortcuts.

Lots of people have their ideas about what to do and they are all right. But not every idea is right for you. You have to dig and sort through it all and find what works for you. And that's pretty flippin' tedious.

Let me save you a little time and I'll tell you what worked best... Listening to God. 

I mean it takes practice to hear Him and I'm still not even sure that I always do. But holy moly, when you know it's from God there's a kind of peace about it.

I highly recommend consulting God if you are ever looking for directions.

I can honestly say that this post did not come together very easily. It's all a little choppy, but I'm relinquishing my perfectionist pen and just letting this be what it is today.

I haven't even thought about how to post this on social media today... Maybe just a cow's butt.