I have felt for several years that when I finally figure my shit out, everything is going to happen very quickly. I don't know exactly how I know this or why I feel this way. I just know.

And for the past few months, I feel like that time has come. Something big is about to happen and my life is on the verge of changing drastically.

But there comes a point when you start feeling like the crazy guy on the street yelling profanities at ghosts.

Have I become the crazy one?

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These feelings don't come from anything specific. There's no reason to explain why I feel the way that I do. And so, I think those kinds of things come from God.

It's our soul connection that knows the real deal of what's true and what's not. It's our intuition.

And while I may indeed be crazy, my intuition has proven to be pretty on point. (I once randomly wondered about a coworker that I hadn't seen or even thought of in over a year. I had planned to message her the next day, but she messaged me first with the news I had been wondering about the previous night.)

But I'll be honest, I'm starting to feel like I'm dead wrong.

I'm trying to trust. I'm trying to stay positive. But when, month after month, nothing happens... Am I even taking the right actions??

I am starting to question everything.

I have this habit of falling back on my direct sales business when I don't know what to do.

I have been with the company for over 10 years. I absolutely love the company and I whole-heartedly believe in the products. I will never not take them. (It's an anti-aging, natural activation company.)

I love the business model. I think it is the fastest way for any Joe off the street to earn financial freedom and time freedom... if you have the right stuff to do it.

Well, I clearly don't have the right stuff. I haven't been able to make it work and my self-confidence takes a nosedive off a high-rise every time I try. 

I love the company but doing the business makes me absolutely miserable. (And I've tried many different ways of doing it.)

I don't like to give up. 

While that probably isn't the worst trait to have, it's also kind of detrimental.

With chiropractic, direct sales, and even ex-boyfriends... I go back again and again thinking it will go better the next time. (News flash: it doesn't)

Over and over again, I am beaten down by this thing that I keep going back to. But there always comes a point where I have to tell myself that this thing that I love and want so badly to work is not for me.

"God has something better for you, Crystal."

I say that mildly in jest but I really do believe it. And I believe that He won't give you the new thing until you officially give up the old thing.

Somewhere around 2018, I became minutely aware that I was almost 40 and single (with absolutely no prospects to speak of). I wallowed in despair that I was doomed to be loveless and single for the rest of my life.

I became obsessed with the idea of not being alone.

Two years later, I thought I had found "the one". I was really in love... but there were signs. There were quite a few red flags from the beginning, but I happily ignored them because all the other stuff was on point.

Another two years later, I finally recognized that this was not what I wanted my life to be. That loving him didn't mean that we were right for each other. And I let him go for good.

Probably not 6 months later, I started dating Carlos. (That seems harsh, I know, but I think my heart had let go long before my brain did.)

When they say God has something better for you than you could ever imagine for yourself, that is Carlos for me. 

I almost settled for "good enough" because I was afraid of being old and alone. I almost missed out on my soulmate.

I don't want to waste more time continually learning that lesson on anything. If it's not for me, I need to let it go faster so that what is for me will come sooner.

They say you are tested right before the big breakthrough comes in. I'm counting on that being what all this is.

I know I have been tested with the safety of chiropractic - God giving me the option to stay comfortable with safe income. But I'm wondering if I'm being given one last test to see if I really want to keep falling back on that direct sales business.

No, God. I want what you want for me!

I already know it's better. But I really think I'm ready now so can we get this show on the road already?!

Yeah, it turns out I'm probably crazy. I have no idea what I'm doing and I absolutely have no idea if I'm even taking the right steps.

But I'm going to keep having faith anyway. 

I've experienced proof that God wants really good things for me, so I'm going to keep believing that I know what I know for a reason.

Here's to us crazy ones! We won't look so crazy soon.